Newsletter Archive

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2010

How to Handle Conflicts and Disagreements

Dan was considered a brilliant engineer and lauded for his vast knowledge of his company's products and internal processes. Co-workers commented that Dan always seemed to be two or three steps ahead of them, able to quickly size up a proposal and determine whether it was feasible or not. A 16-year veteran of the organization, Dan had amassed a wealth of institutional knowledge and could recall details that others had long forgotten.

Two years before the company had gone through a major reorganization. Dan had never fully been able to adapt to the changes in management and culture. Although he reported to the same supervisor, Dan worked on an almost daily basis with a manager he did not like or respect. Dan believed that the manager deliberately tried to make him look incompetent. For example, the manager would promise to deliver information to Dan by a certain date and not follow through. Their philosophies about product designs were quite different and their discussions sometimes turned into shouting matches.

Dan was also expected to collaborate with product development, marketing and sales personnel. Their lack of even basic engineering knowledge frustrated Dan to the point that he would lose his temper, curse, or simply walk out of meetings. He would routinely preface answers to a colleague's questions with, "I can't believe you don't know that," or "you've worked here long enough to know..."

His second post-reorganization performance review was a complete shock to Dan. He was told that he would not receive a long-anticipated promotion because of his abrasive interpersonal style. "It isn't so much what you say as how you say it," his supervisor said. "People feel that they are being criticized and belittled. You need to be collaborating."

Disagreements are a common part of working life. They can range in intensity from minor differences of opinion to major conflicts. The causes can be many. In Dan's case it wasn't so much what he said as the way he said it that had his colleagues believing that he didn't respect them.

There are techniques that you can learn to handle interpersonal disagreements and conflicts between you and your co-workers.

Always remember that the purpose of your interactions with others is the fulfillment of business objectives. You do not need to personally like a co-worker to work with him or her, nor do you have to agree with everything s/he says or does. Be prepared to interact with people whose perspectives, personalities, goals and values differ from yours.

Keep in mind the social orientation of neurotypicals. They want their opinions to be heard and respected. They do not want to look foolish, especially in front of staff members and their boss. They tend to seek consensus and are often willing to compromise to maintain harmony.

As long as you are not overstepping your authority, it is okay to disagree with people, give them feedback or challenge their ideas. The key is to avoid statements that imply judgment, or that reflect your opinion about what happened and how you or others reacted. For example, the statement, "If you had listened to the instructions we would have been done by now," implies judgment of an individual. The unspoken meaning is, "If you had done what you were supposed to, the project would have been completed on time." The statement, "No one could understand your logic," is evaluative. It implies that others share this opinion because the presenter didn't articulate his thoughts well.

Statements that imply judgment or that are evaluative make people defensive. Instead of hearing the content of your message, they concentrate on protecting themselves from a perceived attack. If your words don't make people defensive, they are able to listen to what you have to say.

To do this, state your opinions or beliefs using neutral language and "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example: "I see it a different way;" "I hear what you are saying, but my experience is different;" "Let me share my concerns."

If a co-worker says or does something that you find upsetting, do not react until you have had a chance to calm down. You can say something like, "I am upset right now and want to think about what happened before we discuss it."

Put a single interaction into perspective (get help with this if you need it). Consider the history that you have had with the other person. Is the individual usually friendly and helpful? Have you gotten along well in the past? Has a similar incident happened before? Everyone can have a bad day, so if someone's behavior is out of character it might be because they have a personal or professional problem.

Excerpted from Asperger's Syndrome Workplace Survival Guide: A Neurotypical's Secrets for Success, © 2010 Barbara Bissonnette, Forward Motion Coaching. Publication date: October, 2010.

© 2010 by Barbara Bissonnette, Forward Motion Coaching