It can be tempting to vent anger at co-workers, especially if you are leaving a company. No one likes to be the subject of office gossip, and people can say some pretty mean things. While giving colleagues a piece of your mind might bring satisfaction in the short term, it is almost never a good idea to confront people this way.

"Don't burn your bridges" is an excellent piece of career advice. It means to avoid saying or doing something that will irrevocably change a situation or relationship. Literally burning a bridge behind you means that you cannot return to your original starting point. Figuratively burning a bridge means creating an unfavorable impression, so that people do not want to associate with you again. Telling a boss that she is incompetent, ranting to management about how much you hate the company, or quitting on the spot are examples of burning bridges at work. (Actions or remarks that others interpret as threatening the safety of employees or company property can get you arrested.)

The primary reason to avoid burning bridges is that you never know when, or under what circumstances, you will encounter colleagues again. People change jobs and careers. A peer at one organization may become a hiring manager at another. Companies merge.
Inappropriate displays of anger can alienate a supervisor as well as co-workers who might otherwise be valuable sources of job leads, networking contacts and references in the future. If colleagues perceive you as unstable or irrational, they will not maintain contact, and certainly will not recommend you.

Here are some tips on how to deal with gossip at work:

• Consider letting a comment go, especially if you are not sure about whether the person was serious or trying to make a joke. There may have been a misunderstanding. Remember that blunt remarks, literalness, and not making small talk can be misinterpreted by neurotypicals (NTs) as rudeness on your part. Think about whether there are skills you can develop to fit in better. 
• If you are frequently the subject of gossip, talk to the offending individual. Do this in a private place, such as a conference room or private office. Do not begin the conversation with accusations or angry remarks. Saying, "Your rude, nasty comment about how I don't 'get it' was completely out of line. Knock it off!" will make the other person defensive.
  
  Instead, be calm and avoid judgments or accusations. One of my favorite models for this kind of conversation is from the book Find Your Focus Zone. The steps are: State the facts; say how you feel; see the situation through the other person's eyes; ask for what you want. 1For example: "When you say that I don't 'get it,' I am concerned that others will think that I'm not qualified for my job. I realize that I tend to take things literally, but I'd like you stop making that remark."
  
  You may need some help using this model, especially the part about putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Seek out a co-worker you trust, a family member, or professional such as a therapist or coach. If you decide to speak with a co-worker, do so within 48 hours of the original incident. Otherwise it could appear like you are holding a grudge.
• Gossip can sometimes cross the line and become harassment or bullying. If you believe that this is happening to you, speak with your human resources representative. Most companies have policies regarding both of these circumstances. If that doesn't work, you can contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at www.eeoc.gov.  

With time and practice, most people discover that they can use this inner voice to become more resourceful. Obviously, there will be times when you need to ask questions or get help with an assignment. If you are frequently overwhelmed by emotions, professional assistance may be in order. More often, self-talk will help you to know when you can handle a situation on your own, and when you cannot.

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1Find Your Focus Zone, © 2007 by Lucy Jo Palladino, PhD, Free Press, Div. Simon & Schuster, Inc.

© 2011 by Barbara Bissonnette, Forward Motion Coaching